


Don't Ask

by Jolien



Category: The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Genre: M/M, Theft, craziness, incarceration, lover's spat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 18:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15200669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jolien/pseuds/Jolien
Summary: Lunatics, all of them.





	Don't Ask

Being friends with a group of high strung and at times downright homicidal lunatics, Sam Chisholm has quickly learned not to ask questions; whether that involves recent skirting of the law or how their beloved pet dog/ferret/alligator is doing. Goodnight is usually the tamest of the bunch, though, so when his best friend and best friend’s lover wash up at the precinct on a Tuesday at midnight, dressed, respectively, to the nines but dripping wet and what looks like a catsuit that could have been painted on, Sam just can't keep his mouth shut. He steps up to the bars and raps his knuckles against the wall to get their attention. Then he employs his best I-am-a-responsible-sheriff-voice: “Why the hell are you in separate cells?”

Billy's face remains completely impassive, which is very unsettling, considering there is a solid wall between him and his emotional tether. “Goodnight swiped a candle wrapper and Josh is going to sue.”

“You assaulted a police officer,” Goodnight hisses at the uncovered brick. At least his mood isn’t as worrying: Goodnight wouldn't know emotional balance if it hit him in the face.

Billy sits up straight on his bench. “He squeezed a bruise into your arm. _You_ cut him with the candle wrapper and outed yourself as guilty.”

“That was after,” barks Goodnight. “You grabbed his dick and outed yourself in much different ways.”

“It was self-defence!”

Goodnight shoots up from his folding chair. “Yeah? Was it also self-defence to push me into the shop window so hard it cracked and I fell right into the display wedding cake?!”

Billy shrugs. “It got you away from him. Not my fault it was cheap glass.”

“It was going to be _Emma’s_ wedding cake!”

“I helped you up and you threw me into the policeman.”

“Guys...,” Sam begins.

“You didn't have to keep sitting on him once he was down!“, Goodnight shouts, breath coming in ragged bursts.

“He was gonna draw a weapon,” Billy protests. “I'm the foreigner, he would have shot me first.”

“Now that is a mean stereotype,” Sam throws in.

Goodnight ignores him. “That's why I pelted him with cake as a distraction.”

“You also pelted me with cake. I was sitting on him.”

“Thanks for reminding me that a random police officer's dick is that comfortable to sit on!”

Billy clenches his fists. “I told you: I don't sit on anyone's dick but yours!”

“Great,” Sam winces. “Information I totally needed to know.”

“Oh, yeah, like last time, when I fingered you and you fell asleep on me!”

Sam rattles the door. “Goodnight!”

“One moment, Sammy-boy. This is the first time Billy is wrong, so we need to work this out and grow from the experience.”

“Don't listen to him,” Billy admonishes. “We don't need to work anything out. It was four in the morning and I was tired!”

“Then why didn't you _say_ something?!”

“I did!” Billy bangs his palm against the cell wall. “You never listen!”

“Because it's not my job! I'm the talker, not the listener!”

“Do you even realize how much bullshit you're spouting in one day?!”

Slowly, Sam walks backwards towards the door. He usually prides himself on his great stealth, but truth be told, those two wouldn't have heard him had he rolled out there in a tank.

Goodnight is white with rage. Or that might be residual cream. “The strong, silent routine is not the least bit better! Oh, look at me, I'm Billy fucking Rocks, I don't have feelings and I don't talk about them. Why the hell did I marry you?”

“Because you _love me_!”

“Of course I love you, you annoying piece of fuck! And you threw me into a _cake_!”

“You got arrested for a fucking _candle wrapper_!”

“Not all of us can start off our criminal careers with a ten thousand carat necklace!”

“Dollar, not carat! That doesn't even exist!”

“YEAH? WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND WE’LL RESOLVE THIS LIKE REAL MEN?”

“DO YOU THINK I'M SCARED OF YOU?!”

Sam shuts the door, cutting their voices off, and rests his forehead against the cool metal. He'd like to say it wasn't like he knew better, but unfortunately...

Someone clears their throat behind him. “Would you like me to release your friends, Sir?”

For a moment, Sam thinks hard about the question. Then he shakes his head. “Nah. They might learn a valuable lesson from this.”

Red raises a brow in disbelief. As always, he sees right through Sam. “Isn't there a law against incarcerating your friends as free entertainment?”

Sam snorts. “It's not like you guys have anything else to laugh about in here. Now, I need to make a call. See if I can convince Josh not to sue for the window.“

“Or the wrapper,” says Red. 

“What.”

“He included it in his statement.”

Sam closes his eyes in pain. Lunatics, all of them.


End file.
